Knockin' on Heaven's Gate
by HeirOfNorton
Summary: Daria's family is unsure about this new girl, Jane, she met in self-esteem class. Meanwhile, Quinn prepares for one of her first dates in Lawndale.
1. Joey

Knockin' on Heaven's Gate by HeirOfNorton

_(At the end of_ Esteemsters, _Daria brought her family—somewhat unwillingly—to a UFO convention. What happened next...?)_

Chapter One: Joey

The three of us were surrounded by weirdos. Not the first time. Probably won't be the last. I couldn't help staring at all the Romulans, Reticulans, and robots hanging around the convention center. They were just really creepy.

Mom would make a fortune if she could get all of them as her patients. They sure have enough psychological problems. She was telling me one time about herd mentality, and people all acting the same or whatever, but Jamie and Jeffy and me were playing Mario Kart and I missed most of it.

"Can you believe these losers?" I finally said. "Why would anyone want to get beamed up here?"

"Yeah," Jeffy said, "and they totally got the color of the saucers wrong."

"Why did we come here, anyway?"

"It was Jamie's idea. He thought the costumes would be funny, or something."

Jamie perked up a bit at his name, like usual. Jeffy and me are the only ones who usually get it right. "They're all acting like clones, or something," he slowly said in his most thoughtful voice. "They're all doing exactly the same thing and don't even know why."

"Totally"

"The losers."

We walked around the stadium, almost getting run over by a lizard-boy on roller skates. We were just about to cream the punk when we heard the angel's voice.

"Mom! Dad! You guys, wait up!" We all just stopped and stared at the red headed goddess as she ran before us. Suddenly the day was looking better.

"Whoa, who's that?" Jeffy asked.

"Dude, that's the new girl. Quinn, or something." Jamie said. "She's in our English class."

"I always sleep through English," I said. I rubbed my eyes to make sure she wasn't just an illusion. "How'd I miss seeing her? She would've made for way better dreams."

She was coming closer, but didn't seem to see us yet. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jeffy start to move like he was gonna wave or something. I grabbed him and yanked him back. No way was he gonna beat me to meeting the goddess. Then I felt felt an elbow in my back from Jamie, and Jeffy shoved at Jamie's face but lost his balance. It was on for sure at that point.

"Hands off!" "She's mine!" "I saw her first!" "You got to date the last one!" "No way she'd go out with you—" "I'd match her hair better!" "I scored last game's touchdown!" "I'll beat you to her any day!"

Mom actually says it's a good thing when me and the guys fight like this. She calls it 'aggression therapy' or something. Says that we work out our 'society-mandated competitiveness and aggression' physically, so that we don't build up bad feelings or anger by keeping it bottled up. She says that Dad kept it all bottled up, and that's why he snapped at that insurance salesman and went to jail, but I think she's giving the insurance guy too much credit. I tried explaining it to the guys once, but they didn't understand any of it except that fighting with each other is good, as long as no one gets hurt too badly to play at the next game. Whatever.

"Hey! Where'd she go?" Jeffy suddenly shouted. We stopped fighting in an instant, looking around.

"You let her get away!" Jamie said.

"Shut up and look for her."

We searched as quickly as we could. We thought we saw her right away, but it was just some other red headed chick in a Xena costume. An older chick who really, really shouldn't ever wear a Xena costume. I barely kept from screaming at the sight, and Jamie whimpered a little.

"Over there, is that her?" Jeffy said, pulling Jamie away from the sad sight. Finally. From across the stadium we could see the flash of red hair over a pink t-shirt. That had to be her. We ran for it, not even trying to fight, just eager to get to that girl again.

I spared a glance back to see if I was leaving the two doofuses behind—I am the fastest runner, no matter what the coach says—and crashed headfirst in a booth. Weird crappy crystals went flying everywhere. Then Jamie ran into me, knocking more crystals around, and Jeffy crashed into him, knocking us all on the ground and taking the booth with us.

It took us a minute to untangle ourselves. There was some little brat with a crystal around his neck staring at us.

"You're gonna be in so much trouble when my dad gets back!"

"Shut up, kid, or we'll break you as much as the booth," I said. I wouldn't, really. I'd just give him a fat lip or something. I'm not a bully.

"No you won't," the little turd said. "My dad's right there!"

We ran, and didn't look back. What else could we do? We ended up hiding behind a giant lizard alien statue looking around to make sure no one was following us, but we had escaped. The kid was probably lying.

"Now what?" Jeffy asked. "We lost her."

We cautiously made our way back to where we'd seen her last, some stupid 'get your picture with the alien' booth, but she was gone. We wandered aimlessly for a while. Jamie suggested splitting up, but we all knew that wouldn't work. Whoever found her first would keep her all to himself, without even giving the other guys a chance to fight for her. I sure would. So we just checked booth by booth.

Then I had a brilliant idea. I am the smartest one, after all, that's why I'm the leader. If we had gone all the way around the convention without seeing Quinn, then she must be going around it too. I turned around, almost knocking Jamie over, and immediately spotted the goddess again.

"There's Quinn!" I pointed, then almost smacked myself. I should have tried to get away from the other two so I could have Quinn all to myself. Oh well, too late now. I'll just have to prove I'm the best, and that they are just morons tagging along. Shouldn't be too hard.

She was speaking to some other boy, I think I've seen him at school. Luke something. Well, he obviously had to go, and we were just about to introduce ourselves to Quinn and get rid of the dweeb when we heard a voice cry out nearby. "Oh my gosh, is it really you?" I looked over, then had to look down. Great, another little brat was staring at us with eyes as big as flying saucers. "It is! It is you!"

"Uh, what do you mean, kid?" Jeffy asked.

"Dude, he's like, a football fan. Duh." Jamie drawled out.

"Hey Dad!" The kid shouted. "Look, it's them! It's the alien triplets I told you about!"

"Wait, what?" I asked.

A tall man ran around the corner, staring at us as much as the kid. "It is them, just like you described them!" He ran up and grabbed by arm. "Please, masters, take me back to your world like you took my son."

"Hey, get off me!" I shouted as I pulled free from the freak.

"Don't forsake us!" There was a crowd gathering arond us now, and a lot of them were staring as us just like the weird guy and his kid. "We radio your stars every night, just waiting to become disciples for you, Triplogon the Great! We know you rule the galaxy with a kind but stern hand, and we just want to serve!"

We backed up carefully, really creeped out now, but the crowd just pressed closer. Another guy about same age as us, but with a face completely covered with zits and a nose as big as a football, ducked to the front of the crowd.

"Hi, I'm Artie. Do you know the Greys who dropped me off here?"

I turned, ready to run, but didn't even finish my first step before a very heavy hand came down onto my shoulder. I looked up into the face of a very fat man with a mustache, a couple dozen crystals hanging off his neck, and a face purple with rage.

"Well, Triplogon," he said very quietly, "if you're such a great galactic ruler then you can afford to pay for my booth you demolished."

I drew in a breath like I was going to answer him, then shoved his hand off and ran as fast as my legs could take me. I didn't even check to see if the guys were following. I just ran like I was heading for a touchdown five seconds from the end of the game. I was out the doors, across the parking lot, and down the street before I slowed and looked back.

Jeffy and Jamie were right behind, a look of blind panic in their faces. The fat man was following us, too, but he was way behind. I just kept running, but wasn't worried. No way a chub like that could catch up to three seasoned athletes like us.

"What about Quinn?" Jeffy finally asked, getting his breath back at the easier pace.

"We'll have to find her at school tomorrow," I said.

"Cool," Jamie said. "I know where she sits in English class."

"Wait, no fair," I said, finally stopping and turning to the other guys. "You shouldn't get her first just because you saw her there before."

"Yeah," Jeffy said. "Besides, I have a different home room than you two, so you could get her there and leave me behind."

"I thought all was fair in love and whatever."

"It is, that's why I'm gonna get her first!"

"No way, you jerk, I'll get her before classes even start tomorrow."

"Not with a broken nose, you won't!"

After that we mostly just hit each other, though we didn't actually break anything. No one is supposed to get hurt, except for that one charlie-horse I gave Jamie in the arm. That doesn't count.

Mom would be proud.


	2. Helen

Knockin' on Heaven's Gate by HeirOfNorton

Chapter Two: Helen

"Alright folks, smile big and say 'beam me up!'" The nice older gentleman said as he adjusted the large polaroid camera that was probably older than my law degree. I did my best to smile for the picture, though it is hard to smile with a giant pair of black alien-eye glasses on your face. Poor Jakey had it worse. He had a large plastic space helmet perched precariously on his shoulders, but still kept up enough enthusiasm to grin, and even held up his fingers in a pair of rabbit ears behind the head of the cardboard cutout alien.

Daria, of course, simply stood between us with a small smile on her face that would put Mona Lisa to shame, and Quinn, of course, was nowhere within sight of the spectacle.

The things I do for my children.

After the flash Daria quickly moved to collect the polaroid, likely for possible blackmail. Not that it will help her. I am a child of the sixties, after all, and posing with a fake alien is far from the most embarrassing thing I have ever done. I don't think I'll tell her that, however. Quinn reappeared from wherever she was hiding and stood to the side examining her fingernails as I helped Jake remove the helmet.

Daria was looking off to the side, but I wasn't sure quite what she was staring at. She turned back suddenly. "Um, I see a Martian artifact that would look great in my room. I'll catch up," she said quickly, walking away before I could say anything in reply.

I removed the silly glasses and handed them back to the photographer. "That was strange."

"Daria's always strange," Quinn said. "Maybe she'll find someone to abduct her."

"Hmm." I chose not to reply. I have learned over the years that discretion is often the better part of valour, and anytime my girls are merely insulting each other rather than out and out fighting is a time that certainly qualifies. I watched as Daria approached a dark haired girl sitting in one of the bleachers lining the stadium. "I wonder who that is."

I gathered Jake and set off for our eldest daughter, with the younger trailing behind. Jake didn't recognize the girl either. She was wearing a red jacket and a silly pair of antennae, and had a large folder or sketchbook in her lap. She was also smiling and showing very friendly body language as she spoke with Daria. They obviously knew each other, but Daria had not mentioned meeting anyone in Lawndale that she found worth aknowledging at all, let alone a friend.

The girl looked up at us just as we came within earshot. "...finally get to meet the infamous clan Morgendorffer?"

"What?" Daria looked back and nearly collided with me. "Oh."

"Daria," I said, putting on my very best 'motherly' voice, "who's this?"

"Um, this is Jane. She's my... She was in the self-esteem class with me," she quickly said. Jane arched an eyebrow when Daria caught herself mid-sentence. She didn't miss a beat, this one, and looked just as interested in us as we were in her. Daria turned to her. "Um, this is—"

"Helen Morgendorffer," I jumped in enthusiastically, reaching out to shake the girl's hand. I ignored Daria's wince. "I'm so pleased to meet you. And this is my husband, Jake."

"Hey, Jane-o!" Jake said. One of the things I love about him is how he can always be counted on when meeting new people. At least at first. Daria rolled her eyes heavenward at his behaviour, but Jane simply smirked. I had a feeling that it would be a very interesting experience, getting to know the girl.

"Hi," Jane said quietly. "Nice to meet you. Don't mind the antennae, they're just to block out the signals from Venus."

"What signals?" Jake asked, bewildered.

"Nothing, Dad," Daria said, glaring at Jane.

"Well, you would say that, you don't get inducted until next week." Jane pushed the antennae back a bit. "Don't worry though, the implant doesn't hurt a bit."

"Inducted! Implant!"

"Jake!" I said, "she's obviously kidding." Like I said, he can be counted on at first. Jane, however, was obviously enjoying baiting him. My mind went through possibilities in a flash, trying to decide the best way to sound this girl out. I needed to get to know her without scaring her off. Unless, of course, she needed to be scared off. I turned to my eldest with a sudden smile. "Daria, why don't you invite your new friend to dinner this Saturday?"

"What?" Said Daria.

"What!" Said Quinn behind us. "You can't invite someone like th—" She was cut off by a crash ten feet away. Three teenage boys appeared to have crashed into a booth of 'Communion Crystals'.

"Dinner sounds great!" Jane said into the silence as the boys ran off.

"Wonderful, it's settled then," I said. "Saturday night at seven, and all of us will be there." I turned to Quinn, letting a bit of threat into my voice.

"But that— I just— Ooohh!" Quinn stormed off past a gaggle of Romulans. Or Andorians. I'm not sure, I haven't watched Star Trek since she was in diapers.

"You'll have to excuse Quinn," I said to Jane. "She's a good girl but can still be...awkward with people sometimes."

"That's okay," Jane said. "I've got two sisters of my own, so I know how that can be."

"Tell me about it." Jane and I smiled at the brief moment of commonality. Daria still appeared shocked at the way I described Quinn, but that just shows how a mother can know her children better than they know each other.

We all set off to browse through the convention. Daria stopped even really pretending that her self-esteem was 'slipping' and instead was doing her best to maintain some distance between herself and Jane and her family. I'm not really surprised that Daria was embarrassed—what teenager is not embarrassed by her family? I certainly never wanted my friends to come anywhere near Mother or Rita. I must confess myself a little disappointed, however, that Daria had never even mentioned meeting this Jane girl.

I pretended to be interested in a crumpled piece of 'alien wreckage' while I did my best to observe the girls. They were listening to a strange man at a podium describe his alleged abduction experience. He picked at what appeared to be a silver yarmulke and said something incoherent about creatures drilling open his skull, examining his brain, then repairing it without a scar.

"They were just seeing if it was ripe," Jane said sotto voce to Daria. "on Zeta Reticuli brains are considered a delicacy."

"In that case the citizens of Lawndale are safe." Daria answered.

I smirked, but would not allow myself to laugh. I must not laugh at my new neighbors and clients. Jake started haggling with a vendor on the price of a small crystal, desperately trying to ignore what the girls were saying. I was tempted to join the girls, but reluctantly decided against it. It had become painfully obvious over the previous week that I have allowed myself to grow further apart from my daughters than I had realized, and I don't think I would have been welcome.

"That is why I always wear foil on my head," the man was saying, "and I urge everyone to do the same."

"The foil doesn't really block out the signals," Daria said over the scattering of polite applause.

"It does if you wear it everywhere," Jane answered.

"Be careful. The men in black will be after you for letting their secrets get out."

"At least some men would be after me. Are they cute?"

I sighed and let them wander out of earshot, so I did not hear Daria's reply, though she appeared to be blushing. I let my mind drift back to the conversation from the week before, when I received the call about Daria's self-esteem from that ridiculous Dr. Manson. I wince when I remember my poor attempt at joking with my daughter. "We try to tell you you're wonderful but you just don't get it. What is wrong with you?" It was obviously the exact wrong thing to say to someone with low self-esteem, but it seemed equally obvious to me that the diagnosis was at best limited, if not outright false. I was trying to play 'Evil Helen' like I did back when Daria was in middle school, but it did not seem to work. Daria didn't take me seriously, thank God, but she didn't play along, either. She didn't react at all.

To be honest, I cannot remember the last time Daria and I had actually joked with each other, rather than the sarcastic comments she indulges in now. She still makes jokes, but I am not let in on them anymore. That is why I let myself be dragged out there to the land of the lizardmen in the first place, despite how obvious it was that Daria was only faking her self-esteem 'slipping'. I'd hoped it was a ploy to get the family together a bit more, maybe even get closer to me specifically. But no, it was simply a chance to torture us a bit, and Daria was avoiding us again now that she had a friend to speak to. And I have none to blame but myself, getting so caught up in work that I have drifted away from my own children, and I don't know if there is any way to go back, anymore.

Daria and Jane narrowly escaped from some pimply boy asking if they were alien love goddesses. I worry about my girls, far more than either of them realize, I would bet. Daria, in particular, did not make friends easily, and never had. However, when she did open up to someone she could easily go too far too fast, and she could get hurt badly. That happened with that girl back in Highland, so much so that I was worried about her ever making a new friend again. It could easily happen with Jane, as well, if Daria wasn't careful and Jane was not as nice as she seemed at first glance.

I collected Jake and closed on the two girls. It was getting late, and there would be plenty of time to sound out this new friend at dinner that weekend. For the time being, I decided we should just get Daria and Quinn and—

I looked around. Where was Quinn, anyway? Then I saw her off in one corner, talking to a boy, of course. I waved at her to come over. She rolled her eyes, but said her farewells and started across, barely avoiding three boys dashing toward the doors with a large crystal vendor chasing after them. I shook my head, wondering how long until one of my colleagues would be representing the ruffians, and turned my attention back to Daria and Jane.

"It's getting late," I said, "we should probably head back home. It is a school night, after all."

"If you say so," Daria said.

"Yeah, pretty soon they'll be out in force for the cattle mutilations."

I completely ignored that comment, and tried by force of will to make Jake ignore it as well. "Do you need a ride back to town, Jane?"

"Nah, I'm fine. My brother has a gig about half a mile from here. That's how I got here in the first place. I'll just run over there and catch a ride back with the band."

"If you're sure," I said. Band? Her family was starting to sound very interesting. "It was wonderful to meet you, and I look forward to dinner on Saturday."

"Yeah, Jane-o, see you there!"

"Thanks," she said, "it sounds like fun."

"See you at school," Daria said. "Don't let the aliens abduct you."

"I don't know, Mars has got to be more interesting than Lawndale." Jane said. "I could have them pick you up, too."

"As long as they don't eat us. I don't want to become Soylent Green for the new overlord."

"Nah, they'll just eat the cute ones."

"What!" Quinn shouted.

"Relax, Quinn," I said. "They are obviously kidding. I think."

"She's right," Daria said. "They really eat the ugly ones and keep the cute people in a zoo. Just like humans."

After that, Quinn and Jake were both in a big hurry to just get home.

I was nearly exhausted when I finally got to bed that evening, both from worry and from a late emergency call from Eric Schrecter. I swear that man must never sleep, and I just hope the phone calls slow down a bit once I get settled into the firm. The night, however, had one more surprise for me.

"Hey Helen, look what I found at the convention," Jake said, handing me a small package. I opened it to find a small crystal on a leather band, probably the one he was haggling about earlier.

"That's nice, Jake," I said. I was just about ready to fall over, and did not really want to look at crystals.

"It's just like the commitment crystal I got you back in college!"

I looked again. It was very much like that other crystal, lost almost two decades ago. It was nearly the same shade of pink, and the cut was identical, at least as far as I could remember.

I smiled, leaned over and kissed my husband. I'm sure my eyes were a little wet, too. We turned out the lights, and I lay down with the crystal clutched in my hand. That is another one of the reasons I still love him. Even after all these years, no matter how distant we seem to get or how exasperating I can find him, he can still manage to surprise me.

Breakfast the next morning was a quiet affair. Relatively speaking, of course, as my younger daughter sometimes seems incapable of letting silence go without filling it. She was telling us about the boy she met at the convention, who, despite the surroundings, might actually measure up to her considerable standards.

"...So Luke was just there with his geeky little brother becase his parents made him go and not for the aliens at all!"

"Mmm hmm." I did my best to listen. I don't play favorites with my children, and this was what Quinn found important at this stage of her life, but I confess that my mind kept wandering back to my other daughter and that girl. Jane. Jake and I both looked up, then back at our coffee quickly when Daria came in and started grabbing toast.

"And he asked me out on Saturday, so I don't have to deal with dinner with that really weird—"

"Morning, Kiddo!" Jake cut in as Daria sat down.

"Hey, Dad."

"And he said he'll take me to the French place, Chez whatever, and—"

"That's nice. Say Daria, we were just talking about your new friend." Jake is not always the best at subtlety, but he does his best. "She's quite a character, isn't she?"

"You might even say she's a whole font." Daria replied in her usual monotone.

"Are you even listening to me?" Quinn cut in. "This is, like, only my third date since moving here. My entire dating life could be at stake!"

"I'm sure it will be fine, Quinn," I said. I carefully made no argument about her having a date at the same time as the dinner. Jane would probably be easier to speak to without the distraction, anyway.

"Hmmph!"

"Daria, Jane does seem like a nice girl," I said, in my very best 'casual' tone that has served me well with many a cross-examination. "And it sounds like she has a large family. What are they like?"

"I haven't met them," Daria said warily. "I don't think they're at home much...during the day."

"Oh, her parents both work?" I leaned forward, intent on every nuance of Daria's replies. "Well, I suppose that's inevitable in this day and age, look at us. What do they do?"

"Yeah, maybe they could use some consulting expertise!" Jake chimed in, distracted momentarily from his nervousness about Jane.

"I'm sure you could help them make a killing bringing hand made flower pots to Wall Street."

"Who cares what they do?" Quinn interrupted, though she was looking at her sister with an unpleasantly predatory smirk. "They're probably in some alien cult along with that weird girl from yesterday."

"I knew it! Just like Uhura and the Heaven's Prisoners!"

"Jake! There's no cult!" I refrained from correcting him about Heaven's Gate, and turned back to Daria instead. "You said pots. Do they make ceramics, then?"

"Maybe," Daria said slowly. "I suppose the kiln could just be for making pizza and hand-fired bongs. What difference does it make?"

"I just want to know more about her," I said pleasantly, dialing the questioning back a bit. I don't want to alienate my daughter more than she already is. I did, however, make note of the fact that she had been to the girl's house already at some point. "I'd like to know where she's coming from, this Jane girl. As your mother, I'm concerned."

"Besides," Quinn said while I tried with much difficulty not to kick her, "we don't want any aliens coming to our house, cause that is just way too geeky."

"Don't worry, aliens would be looking for intelligent life on Earth, so they wouldn't come near you."

Jake, I'm sorry to say, chose this moment to rejoin a conversation he had not been entirely successful in following. "So they make ceramic aliens?"

"No, they make electronic toilet seats," Daria bit out. "They're going to take over the world by zapping everyone where their real brains are."

Trust Daria to find a conversation stopper.

"You know what?" Jake finally said with as much false cheer as he could muster. "I'm gonna go catch up on the news before I leave for work. I should really try to keep up with world events better." He quickly retreated to the living room.

"Yeah, I should get going before things get any...ickier." Quinn also left quickly.

I stayed where I was, finishing my coffee quietly while Daria nibbled on her toast. "Well," I finally started, "I suppose there will be plenty of time to get to know all about Jane when she comes over on Saturday."

"Wait. You're not going to turn dinner into a total interrogation, are you?" Daria asked, actually looking slightly worried.

"I suppose I could go easy on her," I said after a moment. "If..."

"If...?"

"If you can promise me there won't be any more little 'relapses' that force us out to UFO conventions or Pizza Forest." She got a cute deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes at this. She always seems surprised whenever I catch her at something. "Not that I mind spending time with you, far from it. I would just prefer that it be because you want to spend time with us, not under false pretenses."

Daria slumped a bit. "I guess that's fair. You've got a deal."

"Good. Now you should get going. You don't want to be late for school."

I watched my eldest leave, satisfied with a decent morning's parenting. I made my way out to the living room to remind Jake that he had to leave as well, and just heard the tail end of the 'news' he was watching.

"Once you've had green never again you'll be seen. Alien leaders and the women who love them, next on Sick Sad World!"

"Oh my God!"

I sighed. Time for more damage control. "Jake..."


	3. Quinn

Knockin' on Heaven's Gate by HeirOfNorton

Chapter Three: Quinn

I can't believe my parents made me go to that freakshow. First my geeky sister has a thing, which could totally ruin my reputation before I even get started if anyone knows she's related to me, and then she has to go and announce it of front of the whole school, when she's just trying to get get me stigmatamized or whatever, anyone can see it. Thank God no one would really believe her, especially when she has that esteem thing going on, but then my parents forced me to go to that stupid alien show, even making me hang up on Matthew! It's like they don't even care about my popularity!

I almost stayed by the door but then this really geeky kid with really bad acne tried to speak to me, as if I would ever talk to someone with so little knowledge of skincare, so I had to stay close to my family for protection, even if they were allowing themselves to be photographed with an alien thingy. Even Daria wanted to get away from them by making up something about a maritime artisan or something for her room, like that would be enough to fix it. An h-bomb wouldn't be enought to fix her room.

"That was strange," Mom said. Duh.

"Daria's always strange," I told her, though she should really know that by now. "Maybe she'll find someone to abduct her."

Mom didn't say anything, but at least she took off the dorky alien glasses that totally didn't match her outfit and made her look like a schoolteacher from a really long time ago, like the eighties, and she looked over where Daria went. "I wonder who that is."

I looked too, I couldn't help it. Maybe Daria found someone to abduct her after all. The weird girl she was talking to sure looked alien enough, with those ant-things on her head. Mom and Dad started walking toward them, so I had to follow along, no matter how much I would rather be at Cashman's checking out the new line of fall leggings that just came in with that one really cute pair of shoes that would completely go with my mauve handbag and that one pleather jacket I had my eye on last week. Life is just cruel sometimes.

Oh, God, this other girl is almost as much of a fashion nightmare as my sister. She was wearing boots with black leggings and cutoffs all together and her red jacket totally washed out her skin tone and made her look really pale, though her lipstick matched at least, and her hair covered half her face so you couldn't even see which was her cutest side. Ugh, her hands were covered in black dust or something, too, and she probably had streaks of it all over her face, if you could see under that hair. No wonder Daria was talking to her.

Mom and Dad insisted on introducing themselves of course, blah blah blah, whatever, her name is Jane or something, like I care. Why do I have to be in this family? They are so embarrassing, always nosing in and telling people we're related and stuff. It's even worse since we moved to Lawndale, at least in Highland everyone was weird and it wasn't that big a deal, except for Daria and those two creepy boys she always let near her, but here everyone is mostly normal and it's really obvious if your family if full of freaks. And they're always making things worse, like by inviting that weird girl over for dinner.

Wait, what? "What!" Another freak in the same house as me? If my friends in the Fashion Club find out I could just die! And be repugnated or whatever from the club! "You can't invite someone like th—"

CRASHHHH! Some idiots like, totally destroyed a booth full of unfashionable crystal beads and necklaces and interrupted us right when I was about to make my parents see reason.

"Dinner sounds great!" That Jane girl said before I could recover from the trauma of all that noise.

"Wonderful, it's settled then," Mom said. "Saturday night at seven, and—" she turned to face me, giving me her full don't-argue-with-me stare, "—all of us will be there."

"But that— I just— Ooohh!" I couldn't even speak right, I was so frustrated, but you can't say anything to Mom when she gets like that, not if you wanted to ever borrow a credit card again, so I just stomped away from them before I said something that would get me into trouble, no matter how right I was.

I just wandered for a little while and stewed in my frustration, I didn't even see most of the weirdos around me, I just kept thinking of how unfair my life is. Between Daria's little speech and my parents making me come to the alien geek-a-thon, my reputation is already in mortal danger when I've only been in school here for less than three weeks. Sandi made me vice-president of the Fashion club based totally on her first impression of me, which was right, but I can tell she's the sort who is always looking out for a weakness like a tiger chasing a gazelle or something, and if she caught wind of this kind of thing she could use it against me forever and I would never get another date again!

"Well, hello. What's a beautiful girl like you doing here?" I turned around, ready to tell off whatever alien geek had the nerve to even try to talk to me, but I stopped before I could say anything. The boy was cute, really cute. He had dark hair cut like the lead singer of Boys or Guys and a perfect face with nice cheekbones like that guy on that tv-show with all the high-schoolers, and his clothes were all the latest styles from Waif's 'Best Boys to Date' section. His shoes alone must've cost more than every piece of clothing Daria had ever owned, ever. Maybe the day wouldn't be a total loss, after all.

"Um, it wasn't my idea to come here, believe me. My parents made me come," I said after getting my tongue back, with just the right roll of my eyes to let him know I wasn't interested in the geeks, but might be interested in something else.

"I know what you mean," he said. He turned his eyes down in a really cute way, like he was shy but I didn't really believe it. "My little brother Mark loves aliens and the X-Files and stuff, and they thought it would be a 'great bonding experience' or something."

"Yeah, parents, huh? Do you go to Lawndale high?" I asked. "I'm kinda new in town, but I know I haven't seen you before."

"Yeah, I go to Lawndale high, I'm a junior," he said. A higher grade than me, no wonder I haven't seen him yet. "And I knew you had to be new in town, cause if not I would definitely have heard about a girl as gorgeous as you, no matter what school you went to. I'm Luke."

"I'm Quinn." I was smiling way too much. This boy sounded perfect. Okay, breathe, get a grip Morgendorffer. I must never let a guy get the upper hand, and he was gonna if I let him charm me too much. I gave myself a little mental shake and looked into his totally hot brown eyes. Time to get down to business. "It could be worse here, I guess. No one's trying to convert me, or anything. It would be a lot more fun if there was music, though."

"Yeah, like The Angst Guys, or Boys Or Guys. Something upbeat."

"I love Boys or Guys." We chatted for a few, but I wondered if he was trying too hard. Almost no boy would ever admit to liking either one of those bands unless they were trying to impress a girl, except maybe for the penguins in that one video. I didn't have to listen too closely to our conversation, it's all almost automatic for me, but I was watching him closely for any sign of geekiness or creepiness. Finally I decided to give him an opening, and see if he would take the bait. "What do you like to do? I mean when you're not at UFO confections?"

"I don't know. Hang out at the mall, I guess. Listen to music." He did the shy eyes-down thing again. "Take pretty girls out to dinner."

Oh, I had him hooked, that's for sure. It was almost too easy, no challenge in twisting him around my finger at all, but he looked like he would be worth at least a couple dates anyway. There was a crowd gathering nearby acting even weirder than usual, bowing down to three boys that looked the same age as me. I ignored them, since if they were at that stupid alien place they were almost certainly below my league, and way below Luke's league too, so I carefully moved away from them while keeping Luke's attention on me where it belonged.

"And where do you take these pretty girls?" I asked, trying the coy thing just like he was.

"Oh, anyplace that's good," he said. "Like Casa Pedro, or Chez Pierre. Have you ever been to Chez Pierre?"

"No, but it sounds nice." And expensive.

"Oh, it is, but it's worth it ... with the right girl."

I just looked at him, and down again, doing the shy thing again. Come on, you can do it, I thought at him.

"So, would you like to go to Chez Pierre sometime?" He finally blurted out. "Like this Saturday, maybe." Bingo!

"Well," I said, drawing it out. He even squirmed perfectly. "I think I would like that. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be at some stupid dinner with my family that night..." His eyes dropped down, for real this time. "But I think I could get out of it, if I really wanted to."

I almost got knocked over before he could say anything else by those same idiots that the crown were bowing to when they ran past me followed by an ugly old guy with beads all over him. And right past them I saw Mom looking at me and waving me over. Great.

"I gotta go, my Mom just saw me. Here," I said, grabbing his hand. I wrote down my address on his palm with my purple gel pen I keep in my pocket just in case of such emergencies. "Pick me up at six, but don't be late."

"I'll be there!"

I sighed and walked back to my family, leaving the only thing in the whole building worth even looking at besides me behind, until later. By the time I got there Daria and Jane were still saying goodbye in a typically freaky way, talking about aliens eating people or something.

"They'll just eat the cute ones," Jane said.

"What!" Isn't that, like, illegal in this state or something?

"Relax, Quinn," Mom said. "They are obviously kidding. I think."

"She's right," Daria said. "They really eat the ugly ones and keep the cute people in a zoo. Just like humans."

Why do I ever even bother trying to talk with her? We left right about then, letting Jane stay there to find her own way home, and I tried to ignore whatever else any of my family had to say that night.

I had to plan carefully my angle of attack the next morning so that I could go out Saturday night without Mom forcing me into one of her geeky family bonding dinners or whatever with that weird new friend of Daria's. This would take all of my cunning and ability to manipulate my parents into what I wanted, just like that Machiavermicelli guy.

By the time I got finished with my shower and drying and moisturizer and hair treatment for just the right amount of bounce and skin cream and cuticle oil and make up and was dressed, Dad was already at the table with his newspaper and Mom was pouring a cup of coffee—totally risking wrinkles—and so when I sat down with my bowl of no-sugar no-fat all-fiber cereal and skim milk it was just the right time to pounce with my perfectly planned conversation to convince them to let me go out on a date that Saturday.

"Morning Mom and Dad. I forgot to tell you last night about the totally cute boy I met at the convention thingy, but he's not weird at all like everyone else there was."

"Another boy?" Mom asked, but she seemed kind of distracted. Dad still had his nose buried in the paper, but I think he was listening as much as he ever listens. "What's his name?"

"His name is Luke and he asked if I was free this Saturday..."

"Quinn..." Mom had a little warning in her voice, but not too much, so there was still room to change her mind.

"And I said I wasn't sure, but I thought maybe this could be like, perfect, or something, because then you and Dad could get to know Daria's new friend or whatever with all our attention and I could go out with Luke and get of the way and it would work out for everyone!"

"Well, I suppose it would be okay," Mom said. "As long as you're back by nine."

Wow, that was pretty easy. I'm even better at this than I thought I was. I wonder what else I can get out of people? But I won't take advantage, I must only use my powers of manipulation for good—and dating—but it's good to know that I really am the best, so I relaxed and kept telling them about my date.

"Thanks! Anyway, we got to talking because he was the least geeky person I even saw at that place, and apparently Luke's brother is like, totally into the whole aliens and X-Files thing but he's totally normal and is into normal things and was being nice and so Luke was just there with his geeky little brother because his parents made him go and not for the aliens at all!"

"Mmm hmm." They were hanging on my every word. Naturally. Daria finally came in got some toast with way too much greasy butter, though she somehow manages to never get acne even with all the greasy food she eats and I know she doesn't use any decent skin products, and she sat down.

"And he asked me out on Saturday, so I don't have to deal with dinner with that really weird girl." Dad and Daria said good morning, but I know where the real interest in the conversation was. "And he said he'll take me to the French place, Chez whatever, and—"

"That's nice," Dad cut me off. He can be so rude sometimes, even if I know that he doesn't want to be mean, but he really needs to learn a lot about how conversations are supposed to go. "Say Daria, we were just talking about your new friend. She's quite a character, isn't she?"

"You might even say she's a whole font," Daria said, using words in the really weird way she usually does. Like that weird girl was going to start spraying water around, what kind of sense does that make?

"Are you even listening to me?" I finally said, trying to bring the conversation back where it belonged. "This is, like, only my third date since moving here. My entire dating life could be at stake!"

"I'm sure it will be fine, Quinn," Mom said, totally not getting how important this was.

"Hmmph!"

"Daria, Jane does seem like a nice girl, and it sounds like she has a large family. What are they like?"

"I haven't met them. I don't think they're at home much...during the day."

Daria was acting kind of weird. Well, weirder than usual. Maybe there was something here I could use later.

"Oh, her parents both work?" Mom kept going. "Well, I suppose that's inevitable in this day and age, look at us. What do they do?"

"Yeah, maybe they could use some consulting expertise!" Dad said, totally forgetting that he was mad or scared or something. Daria, though, was getting more and more defensive.

"I'm sure you could help them make a killing bringing hand made flower pots to Wall Street," Daria said, but it wasn't in her usual sarcastic tone. She sounded like she really didn't want this conversation going, which of course means that I should keep it going in the right direction.

"Who cares what they do?" I blurted out when I got the chance. Let's twist it a bit to make it more fun. What was Dad ranting about again? "They're probably in some alien cult along with that weird girl from yesterday."

"I knew it! Just like Uhura and the Heaven's Prisoners!" Dad shouted. Bingo!

"Jake! There's no cult!" Mom cut him off, but he still looked scared. I tried not smile too obviously when she turned back to Daria. "You said pots. Do they make ceramics, then?"

"Maybe. I suppose the kiln could just be for making pizza and hand-fired bongs. What difference does it make?"

"I just want to know more about her, I'd like to know where she's coming from, this Jane girl." Mom said, switching to her 'okay, I won't argue' voice. But I didn't want Daria getting too comfortable. "As your mother, I'm concerned."

"Besides, we don't want any aliens coming to our house," I said. That weird girld probably doesn't really know any aliens, but you never know. "Cause that is just way too geeky."

"Don't worry," Daria said, starting to look mad. "Aliens would be looking for intelligent life on Earth, so they wouldn't come near you."

It took me second to realize she just insulted me, more from her tone than from her words, and I was just about to totally cut her down with a brilliant reply, but I didn't get the chance before Dad said one of his really weird things he says.

"So they make ceramic aliens?"

"No, they make electronic toilet seats. They're going to take over the world by zapping everyone where their real brains are."

Uggh, it's not worth talking to her even when I'm winning the conversation. I decided I was better off just ignoring the whole situation with Janet or whatever her name was, even if it did make Daria uncomfortable, cause Daria will say things that are mean or even just gross and I would rather just stay away from her completely.

"You know what? I'm gonna go catch up on the news before I leave for work," Dad said. "I should really try to keep up with world events better."

"Yeah," I said, eager to leave. "I should get going before things get any...ickier." I put my bowl in the sink and got out of there as quickly as I could without mussing up my hair or anything, leaving Daria and Mom still in the kitchen. Maybe if I was lucky I could get to school without Daria following me or anything and I wouldn't have to see her at all until dinnertime. If ever.

I managed to get to school without any more weirdness and still had plenty of time before the first bell to stake out my spot at the bathroom mirror to touch up my makeup and discuss my date with my new friends in the fashion club and make sure that he really was prime dating material and didn't have any black marks on his reputation or anything but before I could even make it to the bathroom Luke found me in the hall and said "Hi!"

"Luke! Were you waiting for me or something?" He should have been. I am totally worth it.

"I've got homeroom in a couple minutes, but I just wanted to make sure we were still on for Saturday."

"Well..." I couldn't seem too eager, that would give him too much power in the balance, but I wanted to keep him hooked. "I'm pretty sure I can go. My parents are having company over or something, but I might be able to get out of it." That'll work, keep him uncertain but make sure he knows he has a chance. Now for the piece of resistance or whatever to keep him in suspense. "Why don't you just come over, at six like I said, and if I can go I'll meet you at the door."

"Umm, okay. I'll see you then." And off he went to his locker or whatever. Now he'll be wondering all the way up till then if he can really take me out or not, but he won't try to make any other plans in case he can. Perfect. Dating is fun.

"Ohmygod was that Luke Spellerman?" I heard behind me. Stacy, the secretary of the Fashion Club, was almost hyperventilating with excitement. As usual. "He's, like, the most popular boy in his grade!"

The rest of the Fashion Club was with her too. I'm not sure any of them go anywhere without the rest, except on dates. Stacy is definitely the nicest one of them, but she's gonna give herself an ambolism if she doesn't calm down.

"Yeah, I guess," I said carefully, trying to act like it wasn't that big a deal. "I have a date with him this weekend."

"No way!" Tiffany piped up. She can get a little hyper sometimes too, talking even faster than Stacy. She has these pills her parents gave her that calm her down quite a bit, but she forgets to take them sometimes. Maybe she should give Stacy one. "He never dates a freshman, how did you manage that?"

"I don't know, we just got to talking and he asked me out." There was no way I was gonna tell them about the UFO thingy. Ever.

"I'm sure it is a wonderful story and everything," Sandi said, "but we are wasting valuable mirror time." None of could argue with that, so we made our way to the bathroom to touch up our makeup in the few minutes we had left before school started.

I'm not really sure what to make of Sandi. She seemed really friendly at first, inviting me into the Fashion Club on my first day at this school when she saw how perfect my fashion sense and color coordination are. I was surprised that they made me Vice President right away, but there was apparently a new opening right then but they don't like to talk about it. Anyway, since then Sandi's still acted nice, on the surface anyway, but sometimes she says little things to put me down or whatever and the other two girls seem really scared of her. Weird.

"So where is this boy Luke taking you?" Sandi asked as she reapplied her eyeliner just so, though I didn't tell her that she was making the line a little too thick and if she wasn't careful she would end up looking like a raccoon.

"Some french place, Chez something," I said.

"Chez Pierre? Ohmygod that is, like, the fanciest restaurant in town!" Stacy was gonna hyperventilate again.

"Yeah," Tiffany was as excited as Stacy. "I think Brian took Tori there last week."

"And I heard from Buffy who heard from Zoe who got it from Lexie that that's where Luke took Brianna that one time," Stacy brought herself up short. "Umm, I'm sure those rumors weren't true, though."

"Stacy!" Sandi cut in.

"Wait, what rumors?" I asked.

"Nothing important, I'm sure," Sandi said.

"Just something about Luke being a little grabby but I'm sure they're vicious lies and anyway there are just as many rumors about Brianna and how she puts out easily and didn't want anyone to know and just said that about Luke to make him look bad and nobody believes it anyway so there's no problem!" Stacy rambled out in one long breath.

"Besides," Sandi said, looking right at Stacy in the mirror, "as you should know it is against Fashion Club bylaws to spread false gossip that could harm a non-rival's popularity."

"But Sandi—"

"Yes?"

Stacy looked down. "Sorry Sandi."

The warning bell rang then and we had to make our way to class. There was some kind of commotion down the hall with that harpy Barch screaming at three boys who looked a little familiar who she thought were looking in the girls room or something. Ewww. She took them off to the principal's office, and nothing else interesting happened all day.

SMACK!

"Don't you ever come near me again you, you, you big colossal jerk!" I slammed the car door in his face and stomped down the road towards home.

The night started so well, too.

I got ready for my date in, like, record time, only taking two hours to get my hair up with just the right amount of curl but perfectly bouncy when I turned my head and no drooping at all, and then fitting into this super cute green dress I got at Cashman's the day before that at first seemed like it might be just the teensiest bit too loose in some spots and too tight in others but looked perfect so I got it anyway and then got it on with no trouble at all except maybe just a little bit of padding in the bra, but no one needs to know about that, and anyway it perfectly matched these strappy shoes I found at Von Roar last week but haven't had the chance to wear yet. Daria tried to make fun of me, as usual, but I just pointed out that she should be getting ready for her 'date' while I finished putting the exact right finishing touches on my makeup and before she could come up with any kind of comeback the doorbell rang and it was time for me to go.

Luke was dressed in a really cute outfit with nice shoes and that layered look that's been all the rage in Waif lately just like the second singer of Boys or Guys when he took that other singer, Christall or whatever her name is, out to the most exclusive club in Hollywood like they showed in the tell-all article about how lonely their lives are with no one knowing what they're really like or something. He even opened the door of his car for me before getting in himself, which is really classy and a lot better than the last few guys I dated who only had learner's permits and had to walk with me to the closest decent restaurant except for the one who got a ride from his MOM, ewwwww.

Chez Pierre was just as amazing as Stacy said it would be. I'm totally gonna have to remember it for later dates, it really is the fanciest thing I've seen so far in Lawndale. Our waiter was a really cute guy named Jean Paul—names are way better in French, maybe I should start calling myself Qúinnê. I ordered the booly-a-bize or whatever, no way I'll ever be able to spell it, because it was the second most expensive thing on the menu and I wanted to make sure Luke really meant it with the date but I didn't want to scare him off with the most expensive thing, and it turned out to be just soup with a bunch of shellfish in it, so I mostly just nibbled on the little pieces of bread that came with it while Luke ate what looked like a breaded pork chop or something but sounded way fancier when he ordered it.

It was after dinner that Luke started getting kind of weird. He started saying things like how the night was young are there were so many things we could be doing with each other, and I really didn't want to go home yet because that weird girl was probably still there and it was early enough that my parents might still ask me about the date but you never, ever give a boy too much on the first date cause then they'll just want more and more and the way his hand kept sliding over next to my leg was creeping me out, but he just kept saying that he just wanted to show me something really pretty and I was really liking the date so far so I didn't argue too hard when he drove past my house and we ended up above the old quarry in the spot Stacy told be was the local Lover's Lane.

"The stars are beautiful out here, aren't they?" Luke said. He did the fake yawn stretch thing, like he saw it in a movie or something, but didn't try to put his arm around me when he saw me glare at him, and just stopped with his arm kinda tucked between the seats.

"Yeah, I guess," I said finally. "I'm not much for astrology."

"Tonight's been really fun," he said, "and I think we could really make it a perfect evening if we end it right."

Perfect evening? "What do you mean?" I asked, but I shrunk back a bit against the car door because I already had an idea what he meant.

"Oh, you know. It's just, I've been doing quite a bit for you tonight, and I think you could do something for me."

"I think you should take me home now," I told him. No boy was worth this crap. No boy.

"Look, don't be that way," he said, not moving to turn the car back on at all. "I'm not asking you to drop your pants or anything. I just think, after all the money I've spent showing you a good time, it would just be fair if you leaned over here and showed me a good time too."

"You're disgusting!" I spat at him. "I don't even kiss until at least the fourth date. Take me home, right now!"

"Cool down, honey. That may work with the little freshmen you've let take you out before, but I'm a man, and men have needs." He started leaning toward me. "I'll make this simple, go down or get out."

I just stared at him for a sec, I couldn't believe he actually said that, but then my face scrunched up with anger even if it could lead to wrinkles later and I swung my palm as hard as I could against that ugly smug face of his. The slap knocked him back as I scrambled out of the car. "Don't you ever come near me again you, you, you big colossal jerk!" I slammed the door behind be and set off, trying to remember which way it was to my house from there.

I stomped down the road and beneath the bridge at the entrance to the quarry, clenching my fists in fury. I can't believe that enormous jer... that mean... that BASTARD tried to pull that crap on me! Who does he think he is? I don't care if I am new in this town, that is no excuse for such barbaric behavior. I'm so mad I don't even hear his car pulling up behind me at first.

"Quinn, c'mon," the bastard called from the window. "Get in the car, you're being ridiculous."

"Go away Luke!"

"You are totally overreacting," he said. "I just wanted a little fun, that's all."

"I said go away!"

"And think about your reputation."

I stopped and glared at him. "What about my reputation?"

"Well, everyone will believe you did it anyway, especially after the stories I'll tell my buddies." He leered at me. "You might as well enjoy what everyone will think you did.

"No one would believe—"

"Why not? Everyone knows I get what I want, and you're still new in town so no one knows what you will or won't do." He leaned out the window, leering even more. "I'll tell you what. Get back in the car and no one will hear a word about what we do in here."

I couldn't help myself, no matter how ugly and un-cute it must have looked, I screamed and ran at the car and started kicking it and yelling for him to leave me the hell alone and he got so scared he drove off but not before I put a couple good dents in the door and even if it did ruin my new shoes it felt so good, I just wish I could have kicked somewhere that would hurt!

I stomped off again, still completely pissed off but also feeling more satisfied about the dents, though I was limping a little from the cracks in my shoe, and soon I saw Glen Oaks Lane and finally recognized the houses around me, but as I got closer to home I started worrying again about Luke and what he would say to people at school, I mean he was right about people not knowing me and Stacy might believe me but no one else would, and Sandi would probably use the whole scandal as a weapon to try to keep me in control or something or even get me kicked out of the Fashion Club even though I just got in, and my parents would probably hear the rumors eventually too and I have no idea if they would believe me or not and if they didn't they would probably ground me until I got wrinkles and I would never go out again and it wouldn't matter if my friends believed me or not because I would never get to see them again because I would be locked in my bedroom and would never get to go shopping again or date another boy again, not that I would want to date another boy after this, it's all a boy's fault after all for ruining my reputation by telling everyone horrible lies after trying to get me to do that disgusting thing and soon I couldn't even think straight when I finally stomped up the front steps and into my house and slammed the door behind me.

**"ALL BOYS ARE PIGS!"**


	4. Jamie

Knockin' on Heaven's Gate by HeirOfNorton

Chapter Four: Jamie

"There are almost two thousand kids in this school, how are we ever going to find her?" Joseph cried, not for the first time.

"We could just wait till class," I said.

"We've looked everywhere," Jeffrey said, whining nearly as much as our dusky haired cohort. "Maybe she doesn't even go to this school!"

"Dude, I told you, she's in our English—"

"She probably goes to better school for goddesses, and would never be seen in a dump like Lawndale High."

"She sits, like, two rows in front of—"

"It's hopeless!" the two of them cried in unison.

I finally gave up the losing battle. "Dude, this sucks."

I certainly couldn't fault my friends for their near obsession over the stunning Miss Morgendorffer. Quinn was beautiful beyond compare. I reminisced then—as I assumed my now silent comrades were also doing—about the lovely girl. I had admired her silky red hair for days before our chance encounter with her at the UFO convention, the way the light shone through it like the sun through fine crystal. I sometimes wondered if Jeffrey's hair would gleam like that if he ever grew it out. I had also seen Quinn's perfect skin, as smooth and clear as porcelain. What I wouldn't give to have skin like that.

I could never tell my friends about these feelings, though, even if I desired to do so. I have come to terms with the fact that my thoughts, precise and even lyrical though I always try to make them, are never particularly quick. My mind may wax poetical about the colors of a butterfly, but it will do so in the length of time it takes another man to give an extended speech on the entire color spectrum. As well, thoughts and mouth never seem to meet in harmony, so that my most carefully crafted description of Quinn's ethereal beauty would only come out as "Dude, she's hot."

Besides, even if I did manage to describe Quinn out loud precisely as I meant to, Joseph and Jeffrey would just call me gay.

"Hey, there she is!" Jeffrey's voice startled me out of my contemplations.

He was right, an often surprising occurrence. Quinn was just visible in all her rose hued glory at a small distance down the corridor. She was speaking to another boy, someone from a grade or two ahead whom I had seen around before, but whose name I did not recall. He was handsome enough, I suppose, fit but not particularly athletic, and he certainly was not on any sports team or I would know him. He had an easy but very practiced smile that, when he turned away from the luminous Quinn, degenerated into something between a smirk and a sneer. A memory teased at my mind that the interloper, whatever his name, had a reputation for ungentlemanly behavior. He was certainly not the sort whose company the ever-regal Quinn should be keeping, and I struggled to make this observation known to my colleagues.

"Hey, who is that jerk she's talking to?" Not what I would prefer, but it got the point across as succinctly as I was able to manage.

"I don't know, but he better back off. She's mine!" Joseph declared with his usual air of authority. We three started toward the pair, our plans and rehearsals about how best to approach the effervescent Quinn abandoned before they had even begun. As usual.

The pair split before we had gone five paces, with the interloper heading away from us. We regrouped, intending to reestablish our original plans, but those plans required Quinn to be alone for at least the critical moment when we introduced ourselves, and she was joined by the trio of elusive and fickle angels known as the Fashion Club. We had all attempted to date each of them earlier in the school year, even at one point forgoing our usual competitive activities and agreeing to each pursue separate members in a kind of cooperation. Sadly, our reputation then was not what it would become, having not yet joined the football team, and we had not yet made a new attempt since gaining our athletically aided status. All of which was moot at this point, as we were fully engaged in the pursuit of Quinn, whose star outshone all others, and who had now been taken by her friends into the girls' restroom and out of our reach.

"Dammit!" Jeffrey exclaimed with his usual eloquence. "Now what are we supposed to do?"

"Don't worry," Joseph said. "This hasn't changed anything. She'll have to come out of there in a few minutes, before class starts. When she does, we'll be right here ready to sweep her off her feet!"

"Oh, yeah. Good idea!"

"Um, dude, are you sure we can do that?" I asked, worried about the immediate surroundings. "I mean, it's the bathroom."

"What do you mean? We're just in the hall."

I struggled to articulate my worries, to explain that, hall or no, we were standing much closer than usual or strictly proper to the facilities. I wanted to tell him how the three of us, standing so close to an area strictly reserved for the female of the species, could be easily misconstrued as doing something wholly inappropriate and even unwholesome. As well, I labored in vain to put into words the unfortunate consequences that could befall us if such assumptions were made by someone of authority. Sadly, life arranged for a direct example of the dangers we faced before I managed to make my fears known.

"Just what do you think you're doing!" Screeched the lugubrious Mrs. Barch. With that one exclamation, all of my fears were communicated to my colleagues far more eloquently than I would ever have been able to manage, but far too late to be of any help to our newfound situation.

Needless to say, we did not succeed in introducing ourselves to Quinn that day, and indeed were unavoidably detained for the remainder of the week.

"This is so stupid!" Jeffy said to our ostensible leader after nearly an hour of fruitless pursuit. Though I would never say so, wishing in all things to encourage the growth and confidence of my fellow man, in my heart of hearts I must admit that I agreed.

Finally released from our daily indenture of school, we had been attempting to find the luminous Miss Morgendorffer with decidedly limited success. Jeffrey had heard a rumor, common enough to be nearly fact, that Quinn was being taken on an outing that evening by the ungentlemanly lad with whom we had seen her before, one Lucas Spellerman of the Junior class. The other gossip I had heard before of Mr. Spellerman's lecherous and inappropriate behaviour was repeated, as well, and we three had decided that it was our civic duty as well-minded individuals to chaperone the pair and make certain that nothing untoward befalls the object of our more pure intentions, Quinn.

Unfortunately, those rumors had not included the location of this date. We had visited several of the more popular establishments so far that evening, but had come up with no sign of them. Casa Pedro was booked for the night by a single party celebrating a wedding or somesuch, Pete's Shack seemed decidedly lowbrow for the obviously refined Quinn's tastes, and Chez Pierre was off-limits to us without a reservation. We were prepared to fall back on our alternative plan, which involved introducing ourselves to Quinn at her home and hoping her date went poorly but not disastrously without intervention, but none of us were familiar with her home address either. Thus, we were reduced to wandering the streets between likely hotspots but otherwise more or less at random, leading to Jeffrey's and my own dissatisfaction.

"We're never gonna find her out here!" Jeffrey continued.

"Yeah, dude," I reciprocated. "We should just, like, go home. We'll see her at school again next week."

Joseph looked angry at our capitulation, and even looked prepared to indulge in some of his mother's 'Aggression Therapy.' I was, to say the least, uncertain of the veracity or efficacy of her theories, but there was never any permanent damage done by our brawling and we were still friends, so I let well enough alone and joined in when necessary. Before we could come to blows, however, we heard a blood-curdling scream from a block away.

"Hey, that's Quinn!" Joseph exclaimed, and we all ran toward the noise. I was not as certain about the owner of the voice, given that none of us had yet managed to speak to the certainly melodious Quinn and thus none of us had properly heard her voice up close. However, we were all so desperate for some excitement that we all chased after the commotion without argument.

As it turns out, Joseph was correct and the scream was indeed let out by a distressed yet still beautiful Quinn. We rounded the corner in time to see her deliver a last powerful kick to the door of a late model Camaro, already dented from what I can only assume were previous kicks. The driver of the car—Lucas, I should think—must have realized that there was no more reasoning with the angry woman and drove quickly away. Quinn cried out one last, and barely coherent, "bastard!" before turning away and stomping down the street with a slight limp.

Jeffrey nearly continued toward Quinn, but Joseph and I held him back.

"Dude, look at her," Joseph reasoned. "She's totally pissed off."

"Yeah, no way she'd want to talk to us now!" I agreed.

Jeffrey was unhappy with the situation but was made to see reason, and we followed behind Quinn at a respectful distance. I was concerned what she might think if she saw the three of us so obviously following her, but she appeared so wrapped in her rage that she took no notice of our existence as of yet. And thus, we trailed her discreetly, attempting to draw no attention to ourselves and quietly discussing our options now that we had found her.

We agreed it was best to go for our original backup plan. Quinn was almost certainly walking towards her home. We would then know her address, and at our leisure could wait for her to calm herself, and then introduce ourselves as the far superior choice in contrast to the interloper she had just been with. Where we disagreed were in the details of this introduction.

"Okay, so we wait an hour and then go up and ring the bell. I'll give her our names and—"

"No way!" Jeffrey interjected. "Why should you get to go first? And an hour is way too long!"

"I don't think it's long enough," I said. "She'll be, like, totally pissed off all night after this. We should wait till tomorrow."

"Yeah right, we all go home and then you can see her all by yourself!"

"Hey, that's a good ide— I mean, no way, I'd never do that!"

"We'll go together! And I'll introduce us cause I talk the best."

"Not in this life! I'm always the most elephant."

"I think you mean—"

"Why don't you talk to my fist!"

And there we go again. I gave as good as I got, though, truly, the constant fighting got a little tedious at times. It did, however, get the adrenaline pumping and was a bit of excitement in what was largely a dull evening. It was also a distraction we could not at that time afford, and we nearly lost our quarry just when we had found her. I was fortunate that I saw Quinn out of the corner of my eye turn off the sidewalk toward a house.

"Hey, where's she going?" I managed to call attention to the change to my brethren. We stopped our fisticuffs and watched as Quinn entered the house, no the palace, that must be her home.

We again began arguing, though more peacefully, about how best to make our approach. I still believed that it was too soon after Quinn's unfortunate experience with the interloper, and I also thought we should do something more romantic than simply ringing the doorbell. Jeffrey thought we should go immediately. In the end, we compromised, and a mere five minutes after she entered the house, we three were throwing pebbles at one of the upstairs windows in the back, the only one lit up.

I glanced nervously at windows on the lower level. There was something disturbing about their layout, as if too many rooms were somehow squeezed into too small a space, but before I could worry too much about it the window above opened and a teenage girl stuck her head out to see us. She was not, however, the teenage girl we sought.

"Dude, you're not Quinn!" I blurted out, and immediately regretted the way it sounded.

"Brilliant observation, Romeo," the girl said in a slow monotone. "Are you idiots the reason Quinn stomped in here crying?"

"No way!"

"It was that jerk—"

"We would never—"

"We just want to make sure she's okay!" I said.

"Whatever," the girl rolled her eyes. "Quinn's room is at the front of the house. Maybe if you use something bigger than a pebble you'll knock her out." She slammed the window shut and appeared to pull the curtains, cutting off the light.

We shuffled back around the house, thankfully getting away from the subtly chaotic architecture of the rear but trading it for being very exposed in the light of the street lamps. Still, there was no backing out now, and we did see another window lit up just above the main door of the house. We tried once again with the pebbles, and got a response just as quickly.

"What do you want?" Dearest Quinn poked her head out. Her eyes were puffy and her makeup was streaked down her face, but she was still effervescent in the evening light. She not, however, look any less angry than before. Still, too late to back out.

"We wanted to make sure you were okay!" Jeffrey called, stealing my line.

"I was worried more!" Joseph said in typical one-upsmanship.

"I've been almost sick with worry." I chimed in.

"Who the hell are you?" She called down, the anger becoming more prominent.

"I'm Jeffy!"

"My name's Joey!"

"I'm Jam—" I was cut off by a car backfiring down the block. Things like that always seemed to happen when I gave my name.

"Whatever, go away."

"But we wanted to—" Joseph began.

"I don't care! Go away!" Quinn was shouting now. "I never want to see another boy in my life again!" She slammed her window shut, cutting off any further introductions.

"Dude, I told you we should have waited," I admonished my colleagues.

We debated for a moment whether we should make another attempt or leave well enough alone until tomorrow, but our decision was made for us when the front door of the house opened. Any momentary hope we may have had that Quinn had changed her mind was quickly dashed when we saw the red-faced brute who came out of the door.

"What are you little punks doing in front of my house! Are you the ones who made my little girl cry! Get out of here before I tear you to pieces!"

We decided that discretion was the better part of valour, and ran. We seemed to be doing a great deal of running from angry men lately, but that was sometimes the price paid in the pursuit of someone as perfect as Quinn.


End file.
